she came in through the bathroom window

i got a really good heart...
i just can't catch a break

i love being on the water.

dad called me "captain" this whole trip.

i also drove the boat the entire trip - docking and everything. not like it's a big boat and this is an amazing feat...it's more that my dad let me be in control.


so i met a boy again.
and in lieu of my recent luck when meeting boys... i feel like i just won't say much about him. other than he's nice. he's pretty. so far so good?

walking on the driveway after yesterday's freak hail storm (the sun was still shining the whole time!) he's handsome.





he has a big head. it hasn't been possible to fit both of our heads in the same shot. haha.

it's not worth it to get myself bent out of shape over potential.

if he's gonna stick around... he's gonna stick around. if he likes me, he'll call me. if he's got too many issues to figure out that he likes me, i don't have time to deal with him.

for my part, i can try a little harder to get what i want without stressing myself out.



most importantly -- i'm a new aunt who needs to visit her nephew and i'm a new "mom" to my handsome boy roscoe. he's such a sweet thing and he's just what i need. plus he's much more dependable than a real boy... and he loves me unconditionally.

sweet a thunderstorm is coming. i'm exhausted from work (even had my coworkers slam my wrist shut in a cage door!) and i'm passing out... super early.

i'm an auntie!!

if only that was an excuse to miss my last two exams!!

i have a nephew! his name is beau gregory =)

beau after the father's grandfather and gregory after the uncle my sister and i never got to meet. he's 8 pounds, 8 ounces and 19.5 inches long. my sister required a c-section to get the little guy out (he wanted to stay put!) and both mom & baby are doing well.

i get to meet beau in the morning - bruce thought noel would like some rest before seeing everybody.

i'm so excited!!!

(a) i just took my first wellbutrin in 3 days. i'm feeling pretty awful now but i should feel semi-normal by the end of today.
(b) i have realized one reason it is difficult for me to communicate with the boy. i think it is sort of rooted in my non-confrontational nature... but more specifically i think it is because i'm always weighing things on this imaginary scale in my head. i hate making other people feel bad... even if they have made *me* feel bad. i'm always trying to justify ignoring a situation in hopes that i'll be able to resolve my own feelings without having to upset someone else. it's as if to keep the scale balanced i make whatever problem i imagine is bothering him the size of a bowling ball while my problems are all these little peas that keep adding up... and b/c they are peas, before they ever add up to enough to outweigh a bowling ball, they start rolling off the scale, one by one. i should know, for a fact, that this method does not work. but apparently it is SO ingrained that i don't even notice i'm doing it until i'm at home, alone, crying in frustration. GAH.
(c) i am determined to believe in myself more and talk to him. i need to learn how to stand up for myself and be a "big girl"... hah. i can't let myself be paralyzed by the fear that he'll just say "fuck it, this is too difficult - i'm out." because if he DOES do that i DON'T want to be with that person anyway. and it would be better to find that out sooner.
(d) i also need to garner some confidence for myself in communicating with my teachers. i realize it is difficult for me to go back to class after missing so much of it... but continuing to MISS MORE classes does not help a thing.
(e) after watching the cats play with the little micey megan got them for valentine's day... i am very glad i am not a mouse. what a long, drawn out death that would be.

You are late-sleepy relaxation, the half-awake moment when you realize it's morning, but you don't have to get up, because there's no place you have to be. You are that cozy spot under the covers where everything feels temporarily perfect, even if you know you'll eventually have to wiggle out and start the day. Maybe you're the artistic type, who doesn't function well on a normal schedule. Sleep's important to you, and you like the freedom of sleeping as late as you want (especially since that is closely related to the freedom to stay up as late as you want). You like to roll out of bed, put on some comfy clothes, and get a laid back start to the day. If not everything on your list gets accomplished, no worries. Your only priority is having no priorities – you just want to take things at a slow, mellow pace.

as my farm adventure for the week is winding down i'm happy and sad (as always). while i love central heat and it can be quite a bitch to make a fire -- i've been sleeping really well out here. maybe that is partly because of all of the robitussin but i like to think it's because of having to build a fire before bed and also make sure the fire in the wood stove is going strong and in addition that i have to feed 2 dogs, 2 cats, a bird, and 4 horses.

and horse feeding is fun too but also quite tiring. as is moving all the wood around -- into the living room or into the bedroom from a pile in front of the house. if i continued this all winter i would be super in shape just from feeding horses and trying to keep myself warm!!

speaking of which, i need to feed all these creatures, pack my car and hit the road! gotta get to class. woot.

sometimes boys do ridiculously cute boy things. i'm staying at the farm this week (where i was living last year) watching all of the beasties. he came to stay with me last night (i didn't even have to twist his arm). his job was to make the fire in the bedroom. he did it 10x faster than i've been able to and with a lot less effort. haha.

so as i told him how wonderful the fire was and how much more efficient he was he responded "i was a scout you know"

then we laughed and he commented on how "terrible" the experience was. i have to say, for as many boys who complain about the scouts they sure do credit the scouts for a lot of their acquired skills.

he may have made that wonderful fire last night - but i have to give myself props too. i've kept a fire going in the wood stove for over 48 hours. i'm feeling pretty good about that. and it's a HOT fire too -- i can barely get close enough to put more wood in b/c the coals are so hot.

sweet. now i need to continue being productive.

it is COLD.

i love staying at the farm... but it is fucking cold!

currently i am trying to catch things on fire. it's a good thing that i have a little bit of pyro in me.

P.S. it is a whole lot harder to start a fire in a fireplace than it is to start a fire in a woodstove. just in case you were wondering.

the sea otter. did i choose to write about "top-down" vs. "bottom-up" trophic relationships because i find it interesting? no. i chose to do so b/c i would then have an excuse to (a) write about otters and (b) look at pictures of otters.

seriously, they're ridiculously adorable. if they were in any way feasible to have as a pet... i would be all over it.

observe:



i'm trying to get into my writing mode... so i can just churn out this paper on autopilot and move on with my life.

really i just wanted to share a cute otter picture.

it sucks when the only thing you bring to eat at work is popcorn and you burn it.

rawr.

in good news, i might have a boyfriend.

in bad news i definitely failed my first geology exam. apparently all of his questions were trick questions. the average was a 66.5%... lets just say i didn't even do that well.

bah.

and my head hurts.

newest musical obsession = say anything

highly recommended (from say anything... is a real boy):
*alive w/ the glory of love
fav. lines:
when i watch you/ wanna do you/ right where you're standing/ yeah/ right on the foyer/ on this dark day/ right in plain view

but miss black eyeliner/ you'd look finer/ with each day in hiding)

*woe
fav line:
she said "i can't get laid in this town/ without these pointy fucking shoes/ my feet are so black and blue and so are you"

...back to studying..

EIGHTY-FIVE degrees today. NO. it's october. please get cooler. i can't stand the hot weather any more. i hate it. hate hate hate it.

i continue to be irrationally irritable. all week i've been angry/upset for any variety of stupid or nonexistent reasons. at work when i'm distracted and busy it's fine and i don't have an overwhelming feeling of anger... but whenever things slow down, even for a second, i'm up in arms and there just *isn't* a reason. lots of little things have bothered me but they really aren't all that significant.

the seizure dog has stopped barking so i better go check and make sure he isn't seizing. realize that this is a catch-22 because if he isn't seizing then he will hear and/or see me and then start barking again. it's a lose-lose situation.

hopefully next week i will be less angry and more productive. it's technically sunday already so i'm going to try and start now.




p.s. seizure dog wasn't seizing. and yes, he is now barking. score - seizure dog: 1 and judy: 0

good: i got to go to the redskins game sunday.
bad: the redskins lost.
good: i got to go my first NFL game ever.
bad: the redskins lost (ie. judy is bad luck and therefore never allowed to attend another game)

sigh.




i was pretty close. 23rd row.

and now i'm sitting here listening to it.

i need to start doing my homework in the library again. too comfortable at home. stay up too late at home in proportion to the amount of work i get done. but honestly - even if i accomplish *nothing* i'd stay up all night.

had a wonderful time with my dad out on the boat sunday. we got stuck on some rocks when we tried to beach the boat (we beach it so we can look for shark teeth); we broke the speedometer and the depth gauge off of the boat; we got ourselves soaked by the choppy river water; we got into low enough water that the boat started kicking up mud...

it was a classic "billig" adventure. dad and i to call it 'billig' luck but maybe dad and i just like it when things go "bad"... because to us it isn't really "bad" - it's funny.

an example of a "cool" word --> rat fink. GO DAD. (my uncle refused to go out on the boat w/ dad & i
- thought maybe he'd GOLF instead... so my dad called him a WUSSY and a RAT FINK. i love when dad is ridiculously cool like that.)

an example of a "lame" word --> bank. as in "i gotta make major bank this summer"... rubs me the *wrong* way. gross. maybe it's just b/c it was on a disney channel show. don't ask why i'm watching the disney channel. it's a bad habit i picked up when i was pet-sitting at a house in crozet.

homework now... i guess :-/

i've been working a lot of overnight shifts lately. i'd gotten to the point a while back where i wasn't enjoying them very much... but i guess i've fallen back into a familiar groove (insomnia) and so staying up all night is more fun again. something that no doubt helps is that i haven't been taking my anti-depressants very regularly...they'd made it so i was becoming paranoid about very, very random things.

anyway, here i am at work and the night hasn't been too bad... a little depressing though. this beautiful puppy -- 6 months old (see pic below) is in possible heart failure... pretty grim outlook. she's one of the most adorable things i've seen in a while & she's very sweet. she wags her tail and i want her to magically get better... it's possible that she could magically get better because heart failure at 6 months old is so rare, and so odd, and so hard to explain that sometimes, magically, they can just as inexplicably get better.

miss lexi:

oh wow. i turn on the t.v. and what do i see? a cat flip the fuck out on a live news segment. hahaha. they were trying to advertise for an adoption thingy and this woman has a cat on her lap. (she's dressed up like a "grease" character, btw.) the CAT is also dressed up like a grease character, they have named her "frenchie" and they put a fucking hoop skirt on her. she's sitting there describing how frenchie likes to lounge about in your lap and then you hear this low growling and the cat turns into all legs... wow i hope that ends up on youtube or something. hahahaha.

wow.